I’ve been a bit rough of late–rougher than usual. Sickness, demanding work schedules and general lack of ability to manage this life gig have definitively booted showers into the “possible” category and well, let’s just say the playroom is temporarily off limits until some form a trail can be blazed through the horrifying clutter.
Yet the worst victim to all this helter-skelter isn’t my overworn black leggings. Nope, it’s my sense of peace.
As in, I have none.
But fear not! So as not leave my emotional state in a lurch, lots and lots of self-depreciation has valiantly rushed in to fill void.
The pile of dishes in the sink doesn’t get washed until 4pm? Loser! Any proper homemaker gets them tidied up first thing in the morning.
No make-up AGAIN? All the other moms can get it together–c’mon!
Your kids are taking forever to eat their dinner and you’re all wiped? Wait it out! Give in even once, momma, and you will be destroying all of hope of responsible adult development.
Didn’t sign your kiddo up to attend the school fundraiser night because you feel like your week is already overjammed? Don’t be so selfish!
Sunny day out and you allowed your son an extra ten minutes of iPad time because he was insanely excited about getting to the new level in Angry Birds? What kind of mother are you? Seriously…
So overwhelmed with work you hire extra sitting hours? Shame you can’t properly sort your priorities on this earth.
Dying to pick up a book and relax after you get the children in bed? Appalling. Fold all the laundry NOW so tomorrow the family can wake up to freshly cleaned stacks of undies.
Simply can’t squeeze in time to crank out another blog post? Do you care about this business or not?
Daughter super-whiny and you could both use a good nap? Lazy! It’s really sad you don’t take advantage of these special opportunities for sweet Mommy and Daughter dates.
In short, GET IT TOGETHER, MOM!
Get it together. And every day I try. And every day I fail.
And every day I feel like the crappiest mother to ever walk this earth.
One recent evening, while I was hanging out in my all sad glory and handily beating my self up, a friend uttered the most genius advice I’ve ever heard, “Lower the bar.”
Lower the bar.
Lower the bar.
LOWER THE BAR.
As phrases go, I’ve heard it before. And I understood the general concept. Yet there was something powerfully God-ordained about the timing of my gal’s words and the exact way that she said them that night.
They were so simple, yet so powerfully full of all the truth that was needed for my current non-adorable ritual of pummeling my self-worth to a pulp.
Lowering the bar means having lower expectations. It means acceptance of good enough. It, most challengingly, involves forgiveness for falling short of perfection.
It demands giving my control-freak Type A personality a swift kick in the pants and acknowledging that I am solidly achieving the most important things (feeding, dressing, keeping my kids safe and making sure they know they are loved). It allows for unmade beds, lollipop bribes when needed, frozen chicken nuggets and family naps.
Lowering the bar calls us to say to ourselves at the end of the day “Well done”, not ever, “Perfectly done.”
It allows room to breathe.
And in that room to breathe, my roughness doesn’t look so bad. In fact, unlike when I case it out in comparison to the perceived perfection of others, in the light of lowered standards, my roughness looks sort of down right normal.
I like that light–the light that is allowed to shine through when I lower the bar a whole lot better.
First image credit: depositphotos.com, image ID:60726009, copyright:inesbazdar
Second image credit: depositphotos.com, image ID:53173367, copyright:yurizap
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Janine Huldie says
I love this and not going to lie need to lower the bar here myself more often and thank you for giving me a bit of permission to do just that! Hugs!!
Meredith says
That’s the thing, Janine–it’s all about giving ourselves permission to JUST BREATHE. Thanks for getting it, friend!
Dr. Tricia says
“Good-enough mothering” is a concept from psychological research. The research showed that the outcomes of kiddos (being happy, well-adjusted, and successful) did not really differ after the thresh-hold of ensuring basic safety, consistency (reasonable predictability) and love. Essentially, if those are present, your kiddos will do just as well as those who have parents who do laundry by 8 and have them on cultural field trips every Saturday. Well-done Meredith
Meredith says
I love you. So much. Thanks for being so smart about these things and for sharing your wisdom with us. xo
Candace says
I start to get anxiety at work sometimes when I think about the mess waiting for me at home. It’s hard balancing work, time for a blog, household chores, and children. I like this idea – I need to embrace it!
Meredith says
Candace, I totally get this. I can work myself up into a complete frenzy just thinking about what needs done. Here’s hoping we can both LOWER THAT BAR! 🙂
Sarah brown says
Oh I so needed this reminder this week. I have been in a spiral of self deprication regarding not being able to “do it all” and this post just brought me back down to reality. I look around and all I see are piles, mess, dishes, toys, recycling etc and I of course blame myself. Thank you for this!
Meredith says
Oh love, no to that self-depreciation! No one can do it all, and I KNOW you are nailing the most important thing–loving your beautiful little girl. Lower that bar and give yourself kudos for all you most definitely are acing!