I distinctly remember moving into my first apartment after college. After hauling a ton of boxes up the stairs along with an ugly fake ficus plant, I needed to pee. Dashing into my shiny new bathroom, I was met with a startling surprise–there was no toilet paper.
What fresh insanity was this?? Who was in charge of the toilet paper and where was it? Clearly some very poor management was place. Except…with a shocking dawn of awareness, I realized I was in charge of the toilet paper.
Unreal.
Even more mind-blowing, they sold this stuff in the grocery store, as I soon discovered. Like, in the aisle with paper towels and garbage bags and all those things adults bought.
Adults. ADULTS. What a minute, this could not possibly make sense. I was the adult here? Like in my own home with responsibilities and things to take care of that no one else would? Like buying the toilet paper.
Huh.
I would like to report this stymieing feeling of being in charge of my own life has dissipated as I’ve moved beyond my 21 yr. old self, but I cannot. While I have safely nailed re-stashing the paper goods in our house, every now and again, the curve balls of life will leave me scratching my head. After a particularly exhausting weekend, I will look up from the mountain of dirty dishes before me and wonder where is the adult who is going to take care of this.
You see, it can’t be me. I’m too tired. I’ve done way more than enough for the day.
When it’s my son’s impossible attention struggles in school, it can’t be me. I have never dealt with anything like this before and have no idea what I’m doing.
When it’s this world of starting kids’ sports, it can’t be me. I’ve never played soccer and I have no clue what appropriate sports mom behavior is.
When it’s the excruciating loss of a loved one, it can’t be me. I’ve never hurt this badly before. And where is my mom to help hold my hand through the pain?
When it’s a new work role, it can’t be me. I never trained for this and don’t have the energy or smarts to tackle something so huge.
When it’s figuring out how to pay a bill we don’t have money for, it can’t be me. Where’s the back-up team?
Nope. No way. In all of these situations, surely there must be an adult who is going to step up and take control. The adult can’t be me. I have no clue how to get it together and take the next step. Because on more days than not, I still feel like a kid that needs help–a lot of help.
I am pretty sure I missed some class on adulthood I was supposed to take. It was probably held right before that darn class for parents on how to fill out the atrocious school picture order forms.
It feels very convenient to sit here and sulk for not being properly informed about how very grown-up being a grown-up actually is…except, I can’t. I don’t have time to sulk. Stuff needs to be done. And while I have others who can help support, as it turns out, no one is going to do it for me. It’s my responsibility. It’s my house. My life. My kids. It’s my job.
It’s my job to get up on the days I don’t know how to handle and figure them out. It’s my job to have faith that God will give me just enough to sort though–no more, no less. And it’s my job to keep going through all the parts of life that seem impassible.
It’s my job because I am the adult.
You’ll excuse me while I reel from the shock of this startling revelation, friends. And I’m also going to need an extra few minutes to pop over to the store to stock on some toilet paper. It’s getting real around here.
First image credit: image ID:35833993, copyright:verkoka
Second image credit: image ID:21308401, copyright:asife
Latest posts by Meredith (see all)
- Slow Dance Book Club Discussion - September 13, 2024
- What Have You Done? Book Club Discussion - August 2, 2024
- Lies and Weddings Book Club Discussion - June 14, 2024
Kathy Radigan says
I’m 49 and I’m still looking for the adult sometimes!! Lol! I wonder if that feeling ever really leaves you?
Meredith says
I’m guessing not, Kathy? I will probably still be asking this even after I’m settled into a nursing home some day 😉
Janine Huldie says
Meredith, I know this feeling well and was shaking my head to all, including the toilet paper and even on being a sports mom with soccer here, too. Trust me, I am so not ready to be an adult and not sure when I will be either!
Meredith says
We’ll let each other know when we reach that magical adulthood bar, okay? 😉
Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms says
I am starting to feel a little queasy wondering if the big secret of adulthood is that you never feel like “I’ve got this.” :/ Ellen
Meredith says
I think that most definitely must be the secret 😉
Kathy at kissing the frog says
GAH! I feel like this a lot! I feel like I want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and wait for someone else to deal with it. But then, Little People come and pull the covers back and I realize, ‘oh yeah, it’s me that’s supposed to do it.’ Great post Meredith!
Meredith says
Those little people have such a way of keeping it real 😉
Snarkfest says
Growing up and becoming an adult sucks. I wanna go back to when I could be dependent on someone else.
Meredith says
The good old days!
The Dose of Reality says
Great post! Was just having this conversation with my 11 y.o. this weekend, actually. How I so totally remember exactly what it felt like to be in middle school, except now I am the grown-up. It is hard, man.-Ashley
Meredith says
So hard…so very hard, Ashley!
Tess says
My youngest was complaining about being bored the other day. I told her that I would trade places and she could be the busy adult . Lol
Meredith says
Doesn’t being bored sound about 100% wonderful, Tess? 😉
Cynthia Gabriele Sprouts Consignment Boutique says
Too funny & yet a reality. We move from the safety of our parent’s house, some to college & others to that first apartment & are shocked at how well cared for we had been. It is a blast to “grow up” though. Yet, there are still those times that I wonder why did I grow up? How did we use all that toilet paper, drink all that milk, eat all the food? Oh well, heres to “adulthood” a struggle we luckily get to face!
Linda Roy says
It’s taken me awhile to fully grasp my adulthood, and even now at blah blah blah years old, I still forget to buy the toilet paper. Because Trivia Crack.
WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion says
Girl, you’re in my brain with this one. Whoever deemed us the ADULTS were sadly overestimating, at least me. More often than not, I just want to stick my fingers in my ears and ignore everything going on around me. In short, I want to be a toddler.