I would be lying if I said this whole starting school business wasn’t slaying me. After I finished supporting the Kleenex industry on the first day, I did figure on a general schedule upheaval. I assumed my son would be more tired than usual. I did not, however, count on how emotionally rocked we would all be by things like erroneous pencil grips, bus seating arrangements, and the tricky necessity of afternoon rest periods.
Nor did I figure that this would be one of the times in my life when I would entirely lose my capacity for reasonable thought. It started on the eve of the First Day of School. I burned my hand trying to steam green beans, cried and vowed to never again serve veggies to my family. This adorable inability to perform simple tasks continued throughout the week. In short, I became stupid.
In this delightful state of mind, I found myself on my birthday morning, decidedly unbathed with yucky morning breath. But I had gotten my son on the bus! On time!
Feeling cocky from this intense victory, I became foolish. What if I celebrated my day and tackled my grossness with a bath?!
I could do this, right??
I felt like I was running a covert op for the CIA. I cued up Daniel Tiger, stashed up my daughter with Goldfish crackers and spoke in soft tones, lest I disturb the gods of potential baths. I crept up the stairs, turned on the faucet, shut the door, and sank under the suds.
The door immediately slammed back open. My daughter walked in with That Face. She didn’t! But in one sinking moment, I knew that she had. She had pooped in her underwear. Endless curses on this potty-training nonsense. Wear diapers until you are 25, for the love of God.
That situation, very wet and very nakedly, sorted out and I found myself back in the bath. Albeit, a great deal grumpier.
Woe, the tragic injustice of electively having children and then having to care for them…
I relaxed back into the warm water, closed my eyes and worked to listen to the sweet silence of nothing. I heard a small voice, “Mommy, can I watch you?”
My eyes flew open. “Um…sure?”
Does the lock on the bathroom door not work? What insane person is running this house?
“I’ll help wash your hair.”
Excellent.
“Can I help with the razor?”
I madly searched for a paper bag in which to commence proper hyperventilation.
“I’ll draw pictures of the ocean for you!”
I especially enjoy the teal bathtub crayon, as it dyes everything a lovely aqua hue for at least a solid 24 hrs.
I love my kids. I do. A lot.
I also love baths.
Someday, perhaps, in the near 15 years, the suds and I will meet up again.
For now, it is certain that I must be locked in padded rooms whenever my children start Kindergarten vs. being allowed to make any decisions–at all.
The good news: I’ve got a “helper” who works a mean shampoo service. And really, my skin is the most pretty shade of teal…
First image credit: depositphotos.com, ID:8656983, copyright:CITAlliance
Second image credit: depositphotos.com, ID:13961653,copyright:Goodluz
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femmefrugality says
First off, happy belated birthday! I was so sad when Daniel stopped being the perfect babysitter. They still love it, but I think we’ve watched it to much for them to sit there good anymore. It’s enough to make me want to get pregnant again so the husband HAS to give me bath time. Oh, wait. Not at all actually.
femmefrugality says
P.S. I officially can’t type on a phone.
Meredith says
Ha! This is true…one excellent plus to pregnancy 😉 You kill me, babe!
Cindy Gabriele says
My husband says we are no longer child rearing we are now adult rearing. Our baby is 24. They still knock on the bathroom door when they come home to visit.
Meredith says
Gah! At least the family closeness prevails 😉
Janine Huldie says
Oh man, I know the feeling and just glad it is Friday, but then again we have the beginning of soccer this weekend – it is just never ending. I can I whine that I want summer and no routine back now!
Meredith says
It’s so intense, I know! Praying for your stamina, Janine!
Frugalistablog says
Ha! Remember my I Just Want to Pee Alone story? Baths and their elusive magic!
Meredith says
You write the book on everything magical, Frugie! Love you!
Stacey @nursemommylaughs says
This made my day. Poopage of the pants as soon as you settle in the tub? Priceless. And I agree, teal is your color.
Meredith says
It’s such a dream life, Stacey 😉
Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 says
Oh, NO! The first day of school fell on your birthday? How did I miss that? You deserve ALL the champagne.
Meredith says
No, the first day was a few days before this–I’m just that much of a mess that it takes me a bit to sort it all out 🙂 But, hey, I’ll still take that champagne!
Chris Carter says
Oh you are just TOO CUTE!! Well, I’m sure you don’t think so- but I DO!!! I can picture this scene PERFECTLY played out!!! Sigh…
No mommy time alone yet, my sweet friend. IT. WILL. COME!! Promise!!!
Meredith says
Clinging to those promises, my sweet friend!
Chris Carter says
CRAP!!! I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!!! Belated of course. Ugh. (SO sorry!!!) I do hope you had ONE minute of pure non-child inhabiting BLISS!!
Meredith says
Oh not at all, Chris! Sounds like we both had banner days with the birthday this year 😉 Love you!!
Kathy at kissing the frog says
This is why Hubby decided not to put a master bath tub in our new home. I have a huge lovely tub, and I seriously don’t think I’ve been in it since 2009.
Meredith says
Gah! The tease of it being so close without being able to use it…sounds like your hubby is a smart man 😉