“I’ll cut you if you hurt him”–captioned by the fantabulous Stephanie Jankowski
I wish I had my daughter’s spirit and energy. In her two-year old wild perfection, she barrels and life and doesn’t stop. If you’ve met Elyse in person, you know exactly what I mean. My son has the most gorgeous heart I’ve witnessed on this earth, but he is a sensitive soul. More like his mother that way–for the good and for the bad.
When the dentist tells him he needs to get a cavity filled, he will cry. And he will worry and panic, but his sister will plop herself right down beside him and hold on, as if to say to him, “We’re doing this together”–she doesn’t care. She’s his bestie, and she doesn’t have fear. To the dentist, she is saying, “I’ll cut you if you hurt him.” (Thanks a bajillion times over to my love Stephanie of When Crazy Meets Exhaustion for this perfect caption of my daughter’s thoughts).
We found out last week that my dude needs eye surgery. Well-prepped for this reality, I was super-brave in the office and on the way home. I remained calm, cool, and collected. But then after settling them into lunch with their grilled cheese triangles, I started to read the paperwork. Surgery. General Anethesia. Recovery. Post-op. Suddenly there was a lump in my throat and too-fresh memories of the horrid hell we went through with my son’s broken leg came flooding into focus.
Because, you see, in my human fallacy, I am fearful. I trust the doctors and the necessity of this surgery, but I’m scared. I’m scared of the “what if”. The big and scary events of life–deaths, surgeries, unknowns, tend to shake this fear out of hiding.
As my husband peels out to troll the European wonders of Austria on a business trip, I’m left here, panicking. Not sleeping for weeks prior to his departure. You know me–I will never jump for joy over the prospect of having to navigate this beast of young kids solo, but it’s not that that leaves me clock-watching in the wee hours. It’s the terror that something will happen. And if it does, what will I do?
My dad and sister are fantastic–they want to help, but they have their own jobs and resposibilities. And I have friends–good ones, but the primary truth of it is that the kids and I are alone here. And this scares me.
I live my life in fear of the bottom falling out. My mother’s death taught me this–because it did. The bottom fell out. Yet it also taught me that life will go on if/when the bottom does fall out–because it does.
My prayer every day is that I zero in on the truth of this momentum of life. It’s not going to stop, no matter what–somehow things will keep moving. I wish that I could cling to the fearlessness my daughter lives with. I wish that I would not only hear the words of the song below, but that they would penetrate every corner of me. Because the most real truth is that God will always have my back and be there to walk through the dark with me–scary moments in the middle of the night when I’m feeling all alone included.
It will be okay–somehow.
And my husband better bring me back a rockin’ treat from Austria to make up for all the diaper changes he missed. Not that I’m insanely jealous or anything.
With my God? Let’s do this thing.
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Jen b says
You got this! The strength you will get from this experience will stay with you and you will realize what you are capable of ! You aren’t alone.either!!! Call me anytime!!!
Meredith says
Your encouragement (and endless patience with my annoyingness!) means THE WORLD, my friend.
WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion says
You’ve definitely got this. And even if we’re far apart, I’m just a phone call away! Hang in there Mama! xo
Meredith says
Get that phone at the ready–since you have nothing else to think about 😉
Susan Maccarelli says
Hang in there! My son had palate surgery when he was 16 months old and I pushed it back until after Christmas, causing me to have to stress that much longer. It was a nasty recovery, but it was over in an instant looking back at it. My husband travels – though for short periods – I have learned to embrace the fact that I can watch whatever I want and I also relax taking my housewife perfectionism down a notch when he is gone, so it isn’t so bad! Hang in there and I agree that you definitely feel stronger for every one of these things you get past, making the next that much easier.
Meredith says
Susan, you are sweet. And this, “the fact that I can watch whatever I want and I also relax taking my housewife perfectionism down a notch when he is gone”–exactly. This might not be so bad??
Frugalistablog says
Eye surgery? How did I miss this? You have so many people pulling you through this. And I bet Elyse makes for a good comfort for both mom and big brother through this!
Tell your hubs I want a Mozart Kugeln from Salzburg.
Meredith says
Now I want whatever the heck that is too–b/c Frugie told me it was good 😉
Katie @ Pick Any Two says
I struggle with the fear and the “what ifs” as well. I try to remember that God loves my child as much as—no, even MORE than, as unfathomable as that is—I do. So no matter what, my child is always safe with Him.
Meredith says
Perfect perspective, Katie. Thanks for the reminder.
Sara says
If I could clear my schedule and come sit with you during the surgery I would! It’s scary having to watch our littles go through these things. I feel like they shouldn’t have to feel this pain, but at the same time, thank god that these are SMALL things. They feel like big things at the time. But one and done. Annoying, but not life threatening. My daughter has to have oral surgery in June. General anesthesia, moving the soft pallet and opening the jawbone to take out two extra teeth. I hate it. She’s scared and I’ll admit I am too. But I’ll take this over any worse alternative. Love and light, you can do this!
Meredith says
Sara, you are so kind and your love and encouragment means so much. xo, and prayers for your daughter too!
Senora says
Our son needed eye surgery on both eyes. He was 13 months and the results were fantastic! Lots of parental worry, of course. He had a general anesthesia, too. That was long ago and they are so much more exact and advanced now with everything! Hang in there……..you will both get through this very well!
The advances in eye care have been astounding!
Meredith says
So nice to hear this from someone who has gone through it. And you’re right, Senora–it’s crazy what they can do now!
Chris Carter says
Oh you precious soul!!! God’s GOT THIS. Promise!!! And I have been there oh so many times… fearful and in that panic mode without the support of your hubs… persevering through the hardest of times, alone.
BUT.
You, my dear sweet friend, Are SO not alone.
I love that song. It’s one of my faves…and I am singing it in my head as I go to sleep.
You. Sing it too… okay?
Meredith says
xoxo. Okay, babe. Love you.
Jumping Castle Hire Werribee says
Just love this song! Gonna be among my favorites. It really conveys a great messege.
Meredith says
I can’t get it out of my head sometimes–and I love that 🙂
Renae says
I love that song!!!! And I totally know what it’s like to be left alone with the kids and need a few minutes of sanity. If you need those few minutes please don’t hesitate to let me know. I’m only a few minutes from Main St., so you could drop Elyse off while your son is at school to shop, or grab a Starbucks at B&N and just have some you time. I’m serious!!!
Meredith says
Renae, you are the sweetest–especially given than you know Elyse so know exactly what you’re getting into. She LOVES her teacher–and so do I! xo.
Lisa @bitesforbabies says
I hear ya…and I have help! It’s so frustrating, tiring, and exhausting being a parent but (of course) it’s also rewarding (even if it doesn’t always feel like that!). Hang in there 😉
Meredith says
Definitely a “challenging time” in our lives, huh Lisa? 😉