The Panic of the Phantom Pregnancy

I don’t want to get into details (read: my husband will get “touchy” if I overshare on our personal life), but the chances are very slim that I’m going to be getting myself knocked up again.  The womb has shut up shop and the ship of brightly colored binkies has sailed from this household.  No, from here on out, it’s all an obsessive amount of the toddler-favs, Mickey Mouse and Curious George.  Baby Einstein has waved goodbye.

Regardless, every once in a while (or more truthfully, ALL THE TIME), I panic a bit that somehow I am pregnant.  Why?

Source
It must be multiples if cleaning this = a good time

1. I require EXTENSIVE amounts of fiber.  At all times.  If I forget my fiber, it becomes Situation Emergency very quickly.  In short, when the grocery store runs an awesome BOGO, it is me and all the local elderly elbowing each other out on our way to the vitamin aisle when the doors open Sunday morning.

2. The other day I had an intense desire to clean our fridge.  And then organize the closet.  I loathe cleaning, and instantly knew that this extreme nesting behavior meant I was about to birth triplets.

3. I looked up causes of frequent bruising on WebMD.  I read: blah blah blah PREGNANCY blah blah blah blah.  It is absolutely time to block this vicious site from our server.

4. At times, I may be slightly over-emotional.  If I’m not rocking a pregnancy, it’s time to call in some serious sedatives.  Sure, I know my husband loves getting my repetitive soothe-me-now phone calls at work, but once in a while he needs to pay attention to his job.

5. Irrational bloating.  Sure, if I knocked back a beer or emptied the salt shaker on my meal, but when my waistline starts rounding off for no reason, I feel faint as visions of pregnancy tests flash in my head.

6. I really like pickles.  And I like ice cream, and the thought of putting them together doesn’t actually ever freak me out that much.

7. I am always tired.  This obviously has nothing to do with raising two young kids, but again reinforces that I must be carrying multiples.

Source
You’ve gotta just trust me on this one. UH-MAZ-ING!

8. Did I mention the fiber thing?  Before a recent camping trip I was packing snacks for the kiddos and decided I’d better throw in a box of Fiber One cereal for myself to nosh on.  Then I tried to convince everyone how tasty it was.  Most surely, Pregnancy Bowel Syndrome has attacked.

9. I still get formula coupons in the mail.  Often.  I can’t tell whether Similac just never crossed my name off the list or whether they have it in for me and just like watching me squirm in fear.

10. I have never, ever once heard a story about about someone in their 60s getting randomly knocked up and thought it was adorable. I have always felt sorry for them.  I know, I am a bad person.  And it’s karma, people.  Unexpected pregnancy, meet my future.

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Meredith

Meredith blogs at The Mom of the Year, where she dedicatedly earns her title one epic parenting fail at a time, offering quick, relatable laughs for fellow parents and all their empathizers. She has been part of several best-selling anthologies, featured on prominent sites such as Huffington Post, In the Powder Room and BlogHer, and loves her role as the Executive VP/Operations Manager of The BlogU Conference. When she's not breaking up fights over Legos and juice boxes, she remains fully committed to sharing a less serious look at the world of parenting.

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