It happened. Really, it did. I found myself in a grocery store without my children. I know, I’ll wait while you recover from the shock…okay now? In truth, I was a scary, scary force to behold. The speed with which I can whip out errands sans the little ones is awe-inspiring. Years of babies screaming in my ear has conditioned me to accept the most brutal roadblocks thrown my way and press on undaunted.
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| Source: Microsoft Office ClipArt My weapon of choice |
The middle-aged woman casually dawdling and waddling her way between the shampoo end caps in the personal care section? Whatever, lady. I can swoosh my cart around you. Oh yeah, take that, and then go home and watch your TiVo’ed episode of Jeopardy. I get that you are flaunting your “my kids are old enough to shower and put themselves into bed by themselves” sass, but my little guys are still desperately dependent, so move aside because this is a Momma on a Mission who needs to get home.
And that sweet couple giddily flirting with each other in the cheese section? Here’s the thing: I’m not jealous of you (okay, fine maybe a little because it was kind of fun to have someone to shop with). But largely, I just feel for you. You still have those endless sleepless newborn nights in front of you. With my womb decidedly sealed up, I’m snagging my generic feta and busting this dairy aisle.
And to that sweet young thing who drops her shopping list in the middle of the floor and makes a big show of blocking traffic for about 15 minutes so she can giggle and toss her non-snot-glazed yoga-pant-covered rear up in the air while she picks it up? I’m not annoyed. Oh no, I’m concerned. Concerned for you, honey, b/c this Mom of the Year doesn’t really see your display as a viable excuse to hold up her shopping trip, and it’s looking pretty likely that you are going to get run over by a grocery cart. Soon. Sad.
That aged hippie gentleman who clearly just rolled out of bed for the first time today about an hour ago? The one who apparently feels it necessary to only put in one item per bag? Who takes 5 minutes to locate his credit card in his wallet? The one who causes the cashier to roll her eyes in frustration while he flicks his butt-length hair over his shoulder? Grab a hair-tie and snatch up your bags, b/c my stuff is already on that mini-conveyor belt and it’s coming through whether you move out of the way or not.
The thing is, whatever the grocery store throws my way, I’m not getting scared. You can’t scare me. I’ve done it, I’ve done it all before, with two kids and loads of those minivan/bus situations from the local retirement community to boot. I’m schooling this grocery trip, and I’m schooling it in under 30 minutes. Move aside.
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